Losing Footing

Heading downward isn’t usually associated with anything good

consider the phrase “fall in love”

is this a never-ending nosedive?

what’s are the odds of a soft landing?

can humans tumble upwards?


imaginary phone call #1

Emergency operator: “911, what is the nature of your call?”

Me: “This is more of a precautionary dialup — I have fallen in love but don’t need stitches and I can’t find anything broken.”

Emergency operator: “Did you lose consciousness sir?”

Me: “What?”

Emergency operator: “Have you experienced any difficulty breathing or voluminous sweating?”

Me: “I just want to be on record for the future. Just in case.”

Emergency operator: “So hardly fallen or fallen hardly, can you clarify?”

Me: “Is this some sort of English grammar test?”

Emergency operator: “Sir, might your head be concussed?”

Me: “I beg your pardon. My sweetie and I do not swear in any manner. I am hanging up now.”


imaginary phone call #2

Me: “Thanks for answering Ramona. For the record, I wanted to let you know I have fallen in love but I can’t find anything broken.”

Insurance agent: “That’s good news. Let’s see. You chose to fall in love, correct? None of this predestination babble that is so popular now.”

Me: “Correct.”

Insurance agent: “Okay. Therefore, the timing of your decision actually precludes any coverage. You weren’t in love prior to obtaining your health policy, correct?

Me: “I’m not sure of the exact starting point of, as they say, my downward swoon. I think I was in a very “heavy like” when I took out your policy. Would that make a difference?

Insurance agent: “We cover some pre-existing situations but…”

Me: Could this possibly come under some sort of giddy existential descent? Might that make anything resulting cover-able?

Insurance agent: “Remember your policy is with us and not Nietzsche and Camus Incorporated…


imaginary phone call #3

Me (to my therapist): “My newlywed wife Jenny and I just had a terrible row. She gets so jealous at the smallest thing.”

Therapist: “Give me an example of your conflicts as you know it take two to tango, or even foxtrot.”

Me: “Well, I wanted to go see “Little Women” at the theater…”

Therapist: (interjecting) that’s good, that’s a positive. A shared cultural experience is usually bonding for a relationship.”

Me: “My wife freaked. She accused me of harboring pedophile propensities.”

Therapist: “Uh, remember that Franky Lymon song “Why Do Fools Fall In Love?” Memorize the lyrics. (looking at her watch), Well, well, time flies. You’re two minutes and eighteen seconds appears up. ”


imaginary phone call #4

Me: “I thought we’d be a couple forever. Now, Deb’s dumped me and broken my heart.”

First Buddy: “Two words: duct tape. Wrap on a heavy dose. Works on everything. Your heart’ll be good as new in no time.”

Me: “No, it’s like my heart has been split with a sharp dagger.”

Second Buddy: “Free advice, date a cardiologist gal next.”

Me: (ruefully) “I gave her my heart so freely, certain it would be treated well.”

Second Buddy: “They say possession is 9/10s of the law. Even so, she didn’t steal it. It’s still yours, even if it’s in pieces, right? No small claims court here amigo.

First Buddy: “Get off and stay off Tinder. I’m sure your parents warned you years ago not to play around with any combustible material.

Me: (To the strains of of Jimmy Ruffin’s “What Becomes of the Brokenhearted?) “So what now?”

The buddies in unison: “Find someone who only packs Cupid arrows.”