Santa Claus is now consistently blitzed
The sleigh is perpetually on the fritz
and the elves are demanding to be called little people
St. Nick can no longer take the heat
moaning “Jeff Bezos just can’t be beat”
noting the North Pole ain’t exactly a commerce hub
Just what else could go wrong?
Jeez, is that Rudolph smoking a bong?
and now he and his fellow flyers want to join the Teamsters
Santa can’t tell Dancer and Prancer apart
yep, it’s long past due for a heart-to-heart
for Blitzen’s kibitzing with Vixen and Cupid’s flinging daggers
The working conditions are extremely tense
buoyed no more by free myrrh and frankincense
Wunorse Openslae and two other elves have filed for disability
It was way past time for an intervention
or maybe a simple circumvention
is there anyone up to fulfilling Father Christmas’ challenge?
Shouting “Whoa, red went out with the Cold War”
arrived that mainstay heroine of feminist lore
The only being who could rectify this Kris Kringle disaster
She’s a far distant niece of Santa, this Santee
as competent as only a woman can be
but can she alone turn the tide on Yule’s unfinished business?
Full of fire and pure impropriety
proud bearer of her glamorous notoriety
Santee was a ninja before being a ninja was cool
“Get me the addresses and names”
“We’ll haul my uncle’s butt out of the flames”
“Me and my fierce lady warrior Amazonias will finish the job”
There was no time to dillydally
Aboard came Artemisia, Boudica and Grace O’Malley
Little Debbie was in if no ho-ho’s were to be served or uttered
Logistics being the entire key
Undelivered gifts equal outright blasphemy
Santee needed her wizardly wizardesses to step up grande
So out went an air force of drones apace
enveloping the universe’s deep dark space
the deliverance of offerings on their way to the deserving
All the children received their fervent wishes
alongside the ranks of the blessed moral militias
for it’s the choice of deeds and not waste-of-oxygen speakers that matter
Santee later checked in with her uncle
Him now imbibing only the nectar of honeysuckle
she wanted to know if his holiday wishes came true
“They certainly did my fair niece”
“I’m now clad only in blue-tinged fleece”
“Might I call you now the one and only Christmas chaffeuse?”
“No, this was just a one-off event”
“I’m now seeking out other discontents”
“You can rest assured future December 25s are in many good hands”