Heading downward isn’t usually associated with anything good
consider the phrase “fall in love”
is this a never-ending nosedive?
what’s are the odds of a soft landing?
can humans tumble upwards?
imaginary phone call #1
Emergency operator: “911, what is the nature of your call?”
Me: “This is more of a precautionary dialup — I have fallen in love but don’t need stitches and I can’t find anything broken.”
Emergency operator: “Did you lose consciousness sir?”
Emergency operator: “Have you experienced any difficulty breathing or voluminous sweating?”
Me: “I just want to be on record for the future. Just in case.”
Emergency operator: “So hardly fallen or fallen hardly, can you clarify?”
Me: “Is this some sort of English grammar test?”
Emergency operator: “Sir, might your head be concussed?”
Me: “I beg your pardon. My sweetie and I do not swear in any manner. I am hanging up now.”
imaginary phone call #2
Me: “Thanks for answering Ramona. For the record, I wanted to let you know I have fallen in love but I can’t find anything broken.”
Insurance agent: “That’s good news. Let’s see. You chose to fall in love, correct? None of this predestination babble that is so popular now.”
Insurance agent: “Okay. Therefore, the timing of your decision actually precludes any coverage. You weren’t in love prior to obtaining your health policy, correct?
Me: “I’m not sure of the exact starting point of, as they say, my downward swoon. I think I was in a very “heavy like” when I took out your policy. Would that make a difference?
Insurance agent: “We cover some pre-existing situations but…”
Me: Could this possibly come under some sort of giddy existential descent? Might that make anything resulting cover-able?
Insurance agent: “Remember your policy is with us and not Nietzsche and Camus Incorporated…
imaginary phone call #3
Me (to my therapist): “My newlywed wife Jenny and I just had a terrible row. She gets so jealous at the smallest thing.”
Therapist: “Give me an example of your conflicts as you know it take two to tango, or even foxtrot.”
Me: “Well, I wanted to go see “Little Women” at the theater…”
Therapist: (interjecting) that’s good, that’s a positive. A shared cultural experience is usually bonding for a relationship.”
Me: “My wife freaked. She accused me of harboring pedophile propensities.”
Therapist: “Uh, remember that Franky Lymon song “Why Do Fools Fall In Love?” Memorize the lyrics. (looking at her watch), Well, well, time flies. You’re two minutes and eighteen seconds appears up. ”
imaginary phone call #4
Me: “I thought we’d be a couple forever. Now, Deb’s dumped me and broken my heart.”
First Buddy: “Two words: duct tape. Wrap on a heavy dose. Works on everything. Your heart’ll be good as new in no time.”
Me: “No, it’s like my heart has been split with a sharp dagger.”
Second Buddy: “Free advice, date a cardiologist gal next.”
Me: (ruefully) “I gave her my heart so freely, certain it would be treated well.”
Second Buddy: “They say possession is 9/10s of the law. Even so, she didn’t steal it. It’s still yours, even if it’s in pieces, right? No small claims court here amigo.
First Buddy: “Get off and stay off Tinder. I’m sure your parents warned you years ago not to play around with any combustible material.
Me: (To the strains of of Jimmy Ruffin’s “What Becomes of the Brokenhearted?) “So what now?”
The buddies in unison: “Find someone who only packs Cupid arrows.”