A one-act play
ACT 1
A brother and sister return to town for their mother’s funeral. Both have been gone since graduating high school. Another brother never left home.
They all meet for the first time in small room adjacent to the parlor where the funeral service will soon take place.
Funeral music plays in the background. All are dressed in black.
ARNIE
(enters room)
Greggie, Janey, Hey, how long’s it been? How ya guys doing?
JANE
Hello Arnie, we’re holding up, doing okay. (looks at watch) And to answer your question, nine years, seven months, sixteen days.
(walks over and starts to hug Arnie)
ARNIE
(backs away, looks at Jane)
So, Janey, are you no longer one of them?
GREGORY
Arnie, not now, shush!
ARNIE
C’mon, it’s not like Ma’s gonna sit up and take notice.
JANE
Sorry to disappoint you Arnie but, yep, I remain a card-carrying member. A dyke, a lezzie, or whatever pejorative du jour you’re calling people like me nowadays. However, I do have a surprise for
ARNIE
(interrupting)
Weeeellll, since you’re family…Janey’ll do for you.
JANE
(mockingly)
Fine with me homo…sapien.
GREGORY
(throws up his hands)
What am I going to do with you two? Mother is dead and you’re both acting like you’re back at Hormone High and nothing’s changed.
ARNIE
(shrugs)
We’re just picking up where we left off. I couldn’t stand to be in the house with her and I’m sure the feeling was,
(chuckles)
is, mutual. We couldn’t wait to get out. Come graduation and its bye, bye, birdy.
(walks over to the window and pulls back the curtain)
You got Ma in a coffin or a refrigerator box?
GREGORY
(angrily)
That’s uncalled for Arnie. I did the best I could, no thanks to you. 10 years go by, no contact, nothing, until now
ARNIE
(interrupting)
So, does anybody know if HE is gonna be here today?
GREGORY
Beats me.
JANE
(addresses Gregory)
Does he know about Mom’s death?
GREGORY
Not that I am aware of. Once in a while he send pictures of his new family.
ARNIE
That scummy bastard’s still rubbin’ it in. You won’t be seein’ me at his funeral.
JANE
I want to be there just so he isn’t canonized by the time it’s over. You know, there ought to be a moment at funerals, like there is at weddings, where you can stand and object before the veneer of sainthood is applied.
GREGORY
C’mon, this isn’t about him. It’s about Mom.
JANE
You’re right, Gregory…Hey, there’s something you both need to
ARNIE
(interrupting, rummaging through drawers and cabinets)
Man, I’m starving. All we got was some cheap ass peanuts on the plane. You think we got time for a Domino’s delivery?
GREGORY & JANE
(loud voices in unison)
Arnie!
JANE
(to Gregory)
So, now do you finally believe me that Mom adopted him and didn’t tell us?
ARNIE
(backing down)
Okay, okay. But I need something. We’ll have to talk to all these old farts afterwards and miss out on the spread.
GREGORY
(shakes head and turns to Jane)
So, how are you doing? Really doing?
JANE
I’m doing fine. Really well, actually. I’ve never been happier and neither has my partner. One reason I came early
GREGORY
(interrupting)
I’m happy for you Jane. You deserve it. Don’t you think so Arnie?
ARNIE
(sarcastically)
Yeah, I’ve been meanin’ to send a bouquet.
(voice back to normal)
Hey Janey, answer me this. Remember when you were always after me about my boots. And then it was my men’s magazines.
(imitates female teenager voice)
Let me borrow this. Let me wear that.
(voice back to normal)
You were such a pain in the ass and you just wouldn’t let up. What was that all about?
JANE
Diversionary tactics. Fake left and go right. You were clueless. What I was interested in was a couple of your girlfriends. Like Rachel.
(sighs)
Now Rachel, she could’ve been a model.
ARNIE
Rachel? Hah! If you’re a model, then you’re a model. Otherwise, you’re just a broad with small tits.
JANE
Bequeath us more eloquence, my dearest Arnold.
ARNIE
(excited)
Hey, you think Rach will be here today?
JANE
Down boy, down. Okay. Now, ever since I got here, I’ve been trying to
GREGORY
(suddenly butting in)
All my life, I’ve wanted a girlfriend named Kris, with a ‘K’. Has to be a ‘K’.
(smiling off into space)
With a name like that, she would be beautiful. And kind. Chris with a ‘C’
(shakes his head)
would be too chancey.
(Arnie and Jane turn towards Gregory with looks of astonishment)
JANE
My, my, am I mistaken or did we just have a libido moment? Gregory, my world has just been turned upside down.
(goes and sit down, starts fanning herself)
I’m a bit faint.
ARNIE
So, Greggie, let me get this straight: you’re rejecting babes because of their first names?
(turns to Jane)
Is he on medication for this?
GREGORY
Arnie, you wouldn’t understand. You never did.
JANE
But Arnie, is that any different than you chasing women based solely on their looks?
ARNIE
(dismisses Jane with a wave of his arm)
Okay, Greggie, tell me, who’ve you been puttin’ the moves on lately? Who you got in your radar?
GREGORY
(staring off into space)
I remember the first and only time I saw Mom cry.
(addressing Jane)
It was the day you left. Mom went to her room, shut the door and just cried and cried. I felt so helpless. It was just her and me and I didn’t know what to do.
JANE
I’m sorry Gregory. But I had to get out, get away from here. From this town, this house…this family. I just thought it was best for all. I never knew she took it so hard. She and I just couldn’t talk about my life.
GREGORY
She talked about it with me, but just once. She felt she failed you. What scared her most was how you would be treated, how hard your life would be.
ARNIE
I knew it would happen but figured it was all just a phase and you’d be the one to return.
JANE
Well, then it’s the longest running phase this family has known.
(pause)
But your skirt chasing runs a close second.
ARNIE
(smugly)
Can I help it if I’m just popular AND particular?
JANE
(assumes pose as if holding a clipboard)
Let’s see. Pulse, check. Vagina, check. Willingness, check.
(as if a boxing announcer)
Let’s get ready to tumble.
ARNIE
(wincing)
I did almost get serious once.
(holding up thumb and forefinger an inch apart)
It was this close.
JANE
(sarcastically)
Was that your dream mate, the visually impaired mute?
ARNIE
Yeah, right. Look it, I’m a M-A-N, not a social worker. And, hey, someone has to make up for all loneliness Greggie’s causing in the female population.
(addressing Gregory)
By the way, did you e-v-e-r have a date in high school?
GREGORY
You know I was very shy back then. Sensitive and shy.
ARNIE
Clue numero uno Greggie. You got a great act. There’s women out there that eat up that shy and sensitive crap. But try pullin’ it off. Like tellin’ ’em
(in soft, sensitive voice)
it’s my first time since my wife died…or asking them if they’re sure, really sure…having to talk afterwards
(shudders)
JANE
Speaking of relationships, you both need to
GREGORY
(again staring off into space, interrupting)
I did almost kiss Audrey Kaplansky once.
ARNIE
(ebulliently)
All-right Greggie. I knew you had it in you. I remember she was a hot little number. Wouldn’t give me the time of day though. C’mon, c’mon, spill the juice.
GREGORY
(adamantly)
It was pure, totally pure. I want you both to know that. We had been working on a science project after school. It came time to go and she asked me if I would walk her home. Just before we turned the corner to her street, she stopped and asked if I could keep a secret.
(turns to Jane)
Why do girls ask questions like that?
JANE
Because we want to make sure.
GREGORY
(turns to Arnie)
Do guys ask these questions Arnie?
ARNIE
No, we’re not too big on the vocals.
GREGORY
I asked her what she had in mind but then she wouldn’t tell me. I was thinking she wanted me to kiss her, and I wanted to kiss her, but if I was wrong, well, that wouldn’t have been gentlemanly.
JANE
(turns towards Gregory)
How sweet, Gregory.
ARNIE
Yeah, sweetness’ll keep you doing the one handed tango the rest of your life.
GREGORY
But if I was wrong, we would have lost something between us.
ARNIE
Hey, clue number two, Greggie. Females ain’t made out of glass. She wouldn’t have become catatonic if you ruffled her feathers a bit.
GREGORY
Arnie, there’s enough pain in this world already. I don’t want to cause more.
JANE
Gregory, sometimes I think you’re not part of this world. And that’s good. Don’t ever lose that.
(goes over, grabs Gregory’s head with both hands and kisses his forehead)
GREGORY
Jane, do you know what Mom said to me the day she died?
JANE
What was that Gregory?
ARNIE
(interrupting, mockingly)
That she couldn’t believe what a trio of aces she produced?
GREGORY
(angrily)
No. Stop it.
(pauses, back to normal voice)
It was that she truly loved all of us for who we are and that she wished she had given us a better life.
ARNIE
(putting up his hands, palms outward, as if pushing away the words)
Whoa, this is getting way too deep for me.
JANE
Of course…for someone who’s never left the kiddie pool of life.
ARNIE
(looks at Jane, points towards Gregory)
Hey, he’s the lifeguard at the kiddie pool.
(turns towards Gregory)
You’re living in a world that doesn’t exist.
GREGORY
It does…inside my head. It’s my world.
ARNIE
(backs off)
Okay, okay.
(pause)
By the way, how did Ma take it when I split?
GREGORY
Arnie, she just took it as matter of fact.
(pause)
She probably figured you were just like Dad and couldn’t be counted on hanging around. That’s why I had to.
ARNIE
(erupts angrily)
That’s a low blow Greggie. Listen, you don’t know…
(interrupted by a knock at the door)
JANE
(approaches door)
Now both of you, pay attention. I’ve been trying to tell you something ever since I got here.
ARNIE
Yeah, what?
JANE
I want you to meet my partner.
(opens door)
ARNIE & GREGORY
(in unison, shocked)
Audrey!
THE END